After multiple weeks of being in varying states of anxiety and dread over the new house, which seems to be a common condition amongst new homeowners, it finally hit me as I looked out upon our front yard: we are just going to have a crappy yard for a while, and that’s OK.
"I’ll just rent a core aerator, then do the whole lawn, then fill in all of the weird puddle spots with dirt, then I’ll get a seed spreader, then I’ll get a reel mower, then I’ll put some fertilizer down, then, then, then, then." Then what, my yard will look like Pebble Beach at the Masters? No. I’m not even a golf guy, best I can do is double digits at Topgolf. I’ve been keeping it mowed and put fresh mulch down around the trees; I’ve already left the better part of a dozen lawn bags at the curb, and I just found an encroaching patch of poison ivy, which apparently grows everywhere in NoVA. Luckily, this isn’t my yard in the picture, but I did find this patch growing in the neighborhood.
Aside from the PI, it’s probably time to take the "don’t do it all at once" advice seriously. Things are stressful enough as it is; maybe this is the attitude to take toward COVID. When you’re already under a lot of pressure, it’s easy to succumb to "whataboutism." Whataboutism is bad at work, because you end up "talking" more than "doing." It’s also bad because it leads to a lot of negative self-talk. I started getting stuck in this weird loop of feelings, where I would feel a certain way, but then end up comparing my feelings to someone else in a worse situation, and then I would feel worse for that comparison. Ex:
I’m under a lot of pressure because my wife is trying to work, I’m trying to work, and we have a baby.
But what about the people who lost their jobs? Their situation sucks even more than mine.
What about the people who lost their jobs and have kids? Their situation is even more sucky.
Man, I feel like an asshole now for thinking that this sucks!
What do you do about this? In a mindful moment, I can say, this is how I feel, how does this feeling serve me (or not), but invariably, this leads to more negativity about the situation of other people. But I’m trying to be mindful! Argh! This is just more "talking" and less "doing," right? Is all hope lost? Certainly not, the curve is well flattened and people have shown an impressive respect for social distancing; the road is long, sure. Now that we know that, let’s, as Jim Collins puts it, "confront the brutal facts."
Here are the brutal facts: almost everyone’s situation is shitty right now, and will be for a while.
I can be mindful in a conversation about COVID while also asserting my own feelings, and I shouldn’t have to stress out about that. I don’t need to qualify "my situation is rough" with "and yours is worse." I can let them tell me how they feel from their perspective and be an active listener. I can support local businesses and restaurants. I can take time for myself to reflect. We feel how we feel, and have little control over it. The journalist Robert Wright describes this phenomenon in Why Buddhism is True as the "not self." Perspective, like people’s COVID situations, is unique. Once I start to consider my own brutal facts, my own perspective, a lot of that negative self-talk seems to fade away. Stressful? Yes. Manageable? Yes. We are all doing our best.
And for myself (or not self) – what about just doing what I can (outlined above), forgetting the small shit, spending time with my son, and having a crappy yard for a while? That can be the beginning and the end of the what-abouting. Can I cure my yard rightnowtoday? No. COVID? Absolutely not. In fact, I probably have a better shot at curing COVID than my yard. Local takeout? Yes. Off to Chick-Fil-A.
